Please keep in mind that this can apply equally to ladies as to the gents.
RULE #1: KNOW YOU DON’T THINK THE WAY THE OTHER PERSON DOES.
It is easy to assume that the commitmentphobic thinks the same way that you do – but they do not. The kinds of things that make you feel secure make them feel suffocated. Some of the things you perceive as love, they perceive as entrapment. Too often a commitmentphobic runs because a person is only giving them what they thought they wanted. This kind of emotional catering does not work, and it is time you worried more about want you want out of life than catering to the other person’s needs.
RULE #2: YOU SET THE PACE.
Regardless of how tempting it is to let that person sweep you off your feet and take control, you need to control the pace of the relationship – it is the only way to avoid the typical commitmentphobic scenario. They want a whirlwind romance – fast and curious. However only slow and steady relationship growth will be able to set the foundation for permanency. The key word here is SLOW! If it goes too fast, the other person will get frightened. It is that simple. It is important to be slow to open up, slow to accept the other person, slow to give your trust and also slow to reach the bedroom. If this person cannot handle the slower pace, it is all the more indication that they are not in this for the long haul.
RULE #3: REALITY, NOT FANTASY.
The commitmentphobic are often a hopeless romantic who is lost in a fantasy world and trying desperately to get you to join them. However, you cannot afford to buy this fantasy, regardless of how appealing it is – and it will be appealing – because it is only a fantasy. A solid relationship begins, grows and matures in reality. This is true even though reality is often not nearly as appealing.
RULE #4: UNDERSTAND THAT YOUR LOVE WON’T CHANGE THAT PERSON – YOUR INDEPENDNCE MIGHT.
Unfortunately the myth fostered by films in the forties and romance novels of the eighties, that the love of a good person could conquer all – WRONG! The average person is taught to believe that if they loved enough, they would eventually be rewarded for their efforts. Loving enough means being perfectly faithful, loyal, supportive etc. Stand by your mate and they will realize how much they need you. It works in the movies, but not in real live.
RULE #5: TO MOTHER IS TO SMOTHER.
It is easy to feel sorry for these people as they often comes from broken or have difficult family lives as children. They are often so sensitive and confused – like a kid. What they need is a little maternal care – right? WRONG! The minute you start worrying about their comfort, their sleep etc, you are treading on phobic territory.
RULE #6: NO PLAYING HOUSE.
Unless you are married to each other, don’t act as though you are. That also means de-facto is out. Also don’t get into the habit of treating this person like a spouse while they act like a sometimes guest.
RULE #7: BELIEVE IN WHAT THEY DO, NOT WHAT THEY SAY.
Often these people are a person of many words, but few actions. Learn to differentiate between the two. Although you wish to believe their words, you shouldn’t act on them or change your life because of them. No leaving job, getting rid of pets or changing states, homes etc.
RULE #8: KEEP YOUR OPTIONS OPEN.
An uncommitted person is just that, regardless of what you think or hope they can or will eventually become. It is a bad idea for you to cut yourself off socially, even from other men. Social isolation is counterproductive and can often be destructive. So unless you have a firm commitment from your loved one, never reject an opportunity to broaden your social horizons.
RULE #9: DON’T FIND EXCUSES FOR THEIR BEHAVIOUR.
He/She had a troubled childhood. Has a difficult parent… wasn’t loved enough etc. You can always find a good excuse to accept their behaviour. However, every one of us have some major problems in own lives. Their psychological problems may be influencing their behaviour but you are NOT THEIR FREE COUNSELLOR. If they are hurting you by their behaviour – DON’T EXCUSE IT! It is not your place to play amateur psychiatrist. In short, don’t accept or try to explain away behaviour that is unacceptable and hurtful.
RULE #10: DON’T TAKE THE BLAME FOR THE FAILURE OF THIS RELATIONSHIP.
When this type of relationship failed, it is usually well-intentioned women take the blame and responsibility. However, when any person is commitmentphobic the relationship failed due to this person inner turmoil – not because you were a bad partner.
RULE #11: MOST IMPORTANTLY – TAKE CARE OF YOU.
Never forget the fact that the most important person in your life is YOURSELF! You have your needs, work, friends, family, priorities and you need always to attend to them.
All the best ESTHER
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